I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
