it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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