also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
