Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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