did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
