I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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