Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I died a long time ago.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
