kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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