There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
