He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
