Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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