my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
whose parrot is this?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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