Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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