Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
