i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
