You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
