It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
