are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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