It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
