i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
