If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Still dying that you shit outside
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
