can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
