So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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