he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
