I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
