I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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