what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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