Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
