sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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