You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
