Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
