when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
