I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
