I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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