At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
