She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
