his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
