dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick