Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.