i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
