So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
