Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
