my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
