dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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