I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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