About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
