I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I did not marry a roomba.
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