Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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