I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
