Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
