why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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