I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
