im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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