PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
