if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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