drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
