Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
