i need an iv and a liver transplant
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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