The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
