Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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