I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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