if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
